The Search for Belonging

Have you ever asked yourself... Where do I belong?

I’ve been searching for the answer to this question my whole life. Sometimes consciously. Sometimes unconsciously.

I want to take you back to the time when this story begins.

I was born in Barbados to an American father and a Dutch mother. My best friend was Flora. We did everything together, including scraping cherries off my driveway and eating them because, as four-year-olds, we couldn’t reach the branches of the tree. Then, between the ages of 5 and 7, my family moved to four different countries. I struggled to make friends. In Peru, I felt lonely. I had one older friend, a daughter of friends of my parents, who wasn’t very nice. She’d threaten to choke me if I didn’t play the game she wanted. We often played family. She was the mother, bossing me—the baby—around. I didn’t like her much, but I liked going over to her house because we got watermelon with sugar and purple and pink bubble gum, something that was a no-no in my house.

Moving from South America to The Netherlands, I went to a small Christian village school where they used fountain pens and read from the Bible every morning. I definitely felt like the odd one out.

When we moved to Honduras, I was in second grade. I vividly remember a morning when my father took me to school in his small, white Volkswagen Beetle. I told him that I was so happy I had made a friend, and that she lived on top of the mountain, just like us. In Honduras, I often felt like the odd one out because I spoke fluent Spanish, unlike the other foreigners. Everyone assumed I was American, even though I had strong European roots as well.

At the age of 15, Guatemala was the first country where I thrived socially, as there were many other third-culture kids. I wasn’t odd. I was unique. And part of a group. We had so much fun, hanging out at each other’s houses, going to the movies.

Moving back to The Netherlands—technically a “home” country where I should have belonged—didn’t feel like home at all. Compared to the Latinos, the people and the weather were cold and wet. It was a huge shock to my system. I missed my friends terribly. I lived in a fog of homesickness for about three years. The grief of losing Guatemala—this whole country, a group of friends, a way of being, the food, the music—was real.

But one day I woke up from this fog and realised… I am the only one who can make this work. If I don’t have a sense of belonging, I need to create it. I decided I would try to become as Dutch as possible and joined a student club, going through two rough hazings to join a very cool, all-girls sorority named Triumph. We were the tough girls. Our symbols were motorcycles and bras.

This search for belonging in all of these countries helped me develop my superpowers of listening, observing, and having deep empathy for others who are going through a tough time, which I now use as a coach, counsellor, and trainer. I learned to adapt, to be flexible, to be open-minded, and to accept others for who they are, making friends from many different cultures.

But as with everything, there needs to be a balance. Too much listening, observing, and adapting… isn’t good either. I was a chameleon, blending cultures and taking on the colours of my surroundings—always doing as the Romans do.

When taken too far, you can lose your sense of self, and life becomes entirely about pleasing others. I do what I do to seek the approval of others. I bend over backwards to cater to the needs of others, neglecting my own needs. I don’t know my own boundaries until I’ve passed them, looking back at some point and thinking, Wait, was that a boundary? It has raised questions about my identity. Who am I? What do I want? What do I stand for? Where do I belong?

I’ve come to realise that belonging is twofold. Like the Ubuntu phrase, “I am because we are.” We need others, communities, friends, family, and loved ones to find our place in the world. Finding different tribes is so valuable. But the second part, which was much more elusive to me but has become so apparent over the last few years… we need to find belonging within our Self.

Increasingly, my journey is about shining my own colours, not blending into the surroundings like a chameleon—being brave enough to stand out and be authentically me. I hope you will join me on this magical journey of “Know Thyself,” - irrespective of where you were born or in how many countries you've lived - so that we all may nourish this sense of belonging wherever we go, and in whichever communities we live.