"For it is in Giving that We Receive"

The Impetus to Give Back

As my kids grow older and more independent—and now, quite frankly, prefer spending time with their friends than with me (What? I'm so much fun!)—I've found myself with an increase in free time. This shift, combined with reaching midlife, has ignited a strong desire togive back and support younger generations.

I've been incredibly privileged in my life: supported in my choices and financed through what seemed like endless studies and certifications. Now, it truly feels like it's time to pay it forward.

This drive has led me to actively pursue several volunteering roles:

• Mentoring a young woman who is the first in her family to attend university.
• Coaching women through significant career transitions.
• Serving as a board member for BECA, a small NGO running a bilingual school in Honduras.
• Assisting in co-organizing meditation classes.

The point of sharing this isn't to "toot my own horn," but to delve deeper into the whybehind these actions. Why do we feel compelled to give? And what, precisely, do we receive in return?

The Spirit of Selfless Giving

Recently, I came across a beautiful prayer attributed to St. Francis. While I'm not religious, the spirit of the poem spoke profoundly to the act of giving. A few lines encapsulate the essence I want to highlight:

Oh, divine master, grant that I not so much seek, To be consoled, but to console, To be understood, but to understand, To be loved, but to love. For it is in giving that we receive...

This concept is powerful. When we give our love, listening ear, time, energy, skills, or money without any expectation of a transactional return—this is selfless giving. It is giving for the sheer joy, pleasure, and potential positive impact it might have on the receiver.

I make a distinction between this kind of giving and transactional giving (e.g., buying milk and expecting it to be drinkable; working and expecting a salary). While transactional giving is essential for commerce, today, I want to focus on the deeply enriching nature of selfless giving.

The Science of Receiving: The Helper's High

So, when we give generously and selflessly, what exactly is it that we "receive"?

The evidence is not just philosophical; it's biological. Neuroscience confirms that when we are generous, we experience the “Helper’s High.”Being generous activates the same part of the brain as other pleasurable experiences, such as good food or laughing at a joke.

This is driven by a cascade of positive neurotransmitters:

• Dopamine: The "feel-good" chemical, released because our brain finds joy in the act of giving.
• Serotonin and Oxytocin: Released to make us feel loving, experience warmth towards another, and promote bonding.

These neurotransmitters create a positive feedback loop: Feeling joy makes us want to give, and giving makes us feel more joy.

Beyond the immediate high, giving has profound long-term benefits. Researchers of the Blue Zones (regions with the world's highest concentration of centenarians) like Dan Buettner, have found that continuous social engagement and helping others is a factor that fuels a strong sense of purpose and fosters a sense of belonging (both core human needs). Community volunteering is one of the most powerful steps individuals can take to improve health and happiness, combating loneliness and even alleviating stress, anxiety, and physical pain.

Ultimately, giving makes us feel good, provides joy and purpose, fosters belonging, and helps us live longer.

The Power and Peril of How We Give

Now, let's look atwhat we are giving and how we give it. This question brings me back to my time as a Geography teacher, where in class we would often study the benefits and significant problems associated with foreign development aid. My father worked in development his entire life, and through both his experience and the many case studies we covered, the lesson was clear: giving isn't always effective. The quality and method of giving matter immensely.

Through the lens of coaching and Positive Intelligence, I recognize that my own tendency to "Please" (a coping mechanism that many people have) can sometimes turn genuine giving into rescuing or fixing. In emergencies, this is necessary. However, in coaching or mentoring, a Pleaser can inadvertently disempowerthe other person by implying, "You can't do this, so I must fix it for you."

The most empowering kind of giving is reflected in the motto: “Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.”

This brings us to Servant Leadership—a moral-based approach where the primary focus is fulfilling the needs and growth of others, even in an exchange setting (like being paid). While this style is characterized by humility, empathy, and a devotion to others' growth, it must be practiced with balance. Unchecked, it can lead to exhaustion, burnout, resentment, and even disempowerment.

When practiced well, servant leadership has a contagious effect:

• It improves the wellbeing, sense of community, and belonging of those receiving the support.
• It fosters pro-social behaviors across the entire community.
• Crucially, it fosters the growth of personal leadership in others, motivating them to take charge and feel greater joy in their own work.

Become a Fundi

As we approach the holiday season—a time focused on gifts, laughter, good food, and company—let us embrace both the joy of transactional giving and the depth of selfless giving.

But let us also look to the longer term. Let us commit to giving not just "fish," but to teaching others how to fish.

This commitment is beautifully captured by the Swahili concept of a "Fundi." A Fundi is a person who masters a craft with the help of the community, practices it, and then critically, teaches it to the next generation.

This reflects the highest form of empowering leadership: one whose job is to facilitate, mentor, and teach future leaders, rather than claim the spotlight.

The greatest thing we can receive is the realization that our giving has empowered another person to now give and teach themselves.

This season, choose to be a Fundi. Give the gift of your wisdom, your mentorship, and your belief in others. When you invest in the potential of others, you don't just receive a "Helper's High"—you receive the profound, lasting legacy of empowered communities and future leaders.